Of the 500+ women I’ve worked with, I asked them all the same question during our initial consultation.

“What’s the biggest obstacle standing in your way between where you are and where you want to be?”

And there’s a two letter answer I get 99% of time…

ME

I’m guessing that might be your answer, too.

I was confused by that answer at first. But when I dug a bit deeper, I realized what they really meant…

Their struggle wasn't just 'time' or 'discipline.' It was self-care.

This could be getting a massage, hiring a trainer, or even taking a nap.

As their coach, I made it my job to not only help them with their exercise and nutrition…

But also try to find out why putting themselves first was so hard.

So for the past 10 years, I’ve been working on how to make it easier for you to say “yes” to self-care...and that’s what today’s all about.

We’ll start with understanding the deep, counterintuitive reason why it’s hard to put yourself first (Spoiler alert: it’s not your fault.)

Then, we’ll get into simple, 2-minute things you can do each day to make taking care of yourself easier.

For the past 30, 40, maybe even 50 years, taking care of others is how you’ve shown love. So much so that you’ll disregard a painful migraine or finish that presentation or cook your family dinner. Or you’ll let the gift card to the spa gather dust because “there are more important things that need to be done around the house.”

I know that because I’ve seen my mom do it countless times.

Even though this can be utterly exhausting, many women have told me they do it because it makes them feel needed…and who doesn’t want that?

But self-care?

Now that feels selfish. It makes you worry that your spouse, kids, or parents will think less of you. That you’re a bad wife, mom, or daughter.

And this pattern I’ve seen in countless women is what I call the safety paradox. It’s a paradox because:

I want to pause for a moment and have you sit with that…

Is there any truth to this?

Because if there is, I want to share why self-care is the least selfish thing you can do.

Every time I hear it, it makes me think of you.

Sorry, that sounded way more dramatic than I intended...

What I meant was, every time I hear this phrase, I think of all women over 40…women that I’ve personally worked with.

And I just heard it last weekend on a flight back home from New York.

“In case of emergency, make sure to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others.”

If you’ve flown more than 2 times in your life, you’ve zoned out and are reading your book or watching your movie by this point.

But this phrase is the perfect metaphor for you feeling selfish taking care of yourself.

The pushback I’ve heard about self-care is:

But here’s the flip side to that…

Self-care is exactly what you need to be a better wife, mom, businesswoman, sister, daughter, leader, and grandma.

Putting your mask on first ensures that when you’re with your family, you’re actually present. Not physically there, but mentally checked out.

I know, I know. You've heard the 'oxygen mask' metaphor a thousand times. It's almost annoying at this point. But here is why it matters specifically for you right now.

During and after menopause, as your estrogen levels decrease, your body’s ability to handle stress goes down, too. I’m not an endocrinologist, but this is the biological reality of it.

Estrogen used to help expand your capacity for stress. Without it, your cup shrinks. You aren't handling more stress than before…you just have less room to hold it.

But by taking that walk, reading for 20 minutes, or finally booking that appointment, these create space inside your cup to hold more.

On top of this, we also need to break the 'Either/Or' trap.

Meaning, it doesn’t have to be either I take care of my family or take care of myself.

It can very easily be I take care of my family and I take care of myself.

If you believed, really believed, that self-care made you a better mom/wife/daughter, how would your schedule look different?

Answering those questions can give you the keys to making both work.

And once you decide how you can fit both into your life, then we move onto how to fit self-care in.

Step 1: Rewrite the script.

You have to convince your brain that self-care isn't 'unsafe'.

Not because you “earned” it but because you’re a human and humans deserve to take care of themselves.

This is where affirmations come in. Here are a few examples:

“My self-care doesn't take away from my family; it gives back to them."

"I show up better for my work and my family when my own cup is full."

“Taking care of me helps me take care of them.”

You can decide what’s most meaningful to you. Just writing or saying your affirmations out loud is one thing…

If you want to make affirmations 10x more effective, don’t just say it…feel it too. Ask yourself, “what would it feel like to believe and live this affirmation to my core?”

Whatever that feeling is, feel it while doing this exercise.

Step 2 is to carve out the time for yourself.

It might take giving up something you’re already doing. Or it could take re-prioritizing your time where something else takes a back seat.

Either way, decide where your self-care time is going to fit into your day and then do the most important part…

Schedule it as if it’s an appointment you can’t miss.

In those initial consultations, after we identified the obstacle, I would always ask: 'How can I help you solve that?

And 99% of the time, they’d share that the support and accountability is what would make the biggest difference. And they were right. Having “Training with Ben” on their calendars every Monday and Wednesday at 10am made as big a difference as anything.

Step 3 is to choose how you’re going to take care of yourself.

I promised you 2-minute options, but I’m giving you the full spectrum from ‘appetizer’ to the ‘full meal’.

It can also be something outside this list. The only criteria it must have is that it replenishes your cup. That’s it.

If you’re reading this and have no trouble with self-care, that’s amazing. I hope this reinforced what you’re already doing. And maybe it gave you the language to help a friend who isn't there yet.

But if you’re reading this as someone who feels bad or selfish putting yourself first, I hope this gave you the understanding as to why it’s not selfish.

Because you can’t change something if you first don’t understand why it is the way it is.

And now that you do, this can be the nudge to at least indulge a little in self-care and see how it goes…

After a lifetime of putting everyone else first, it’s finally your turn.

Your friend and coach,

Ben Miknis